Journal Entry: March 22, 2022
I find it very interesting (and also confusing) how my confidence level can fluctuate so drastically. One day I’m on top of the world and feel like I am queen of the mountain, ready to tackle anything. Nothing can topple me over. And then the very next day, or even the same day, I’ll have some stupid doubt ridden thought and I can literally feel my energy and enthusiasm and confidence just drain out of me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! Why do I let stupid thoughts affect me so much?
Am I that insecure? Am I that emotionally unstable? Am I that easily manipulated by thoughts that are probably just lies anyway? Could it be a secret that everybody is probably this way and no one wants to admit it?
Social media can be such a trigger for negative thoughts. I love when the posts are funny or cute and make me laugh but then one slips in that triggers me. And off I go down some rabbit hole of negative thoughts. I’ll have thoughts like I’m not as good as someone else or I don’t feel liked or appreciated or I don’t have what it takes to do what they do. I hate being inside my head sometimes. Maybe that’s why I eat and binge watch TV. Those are such good distractions. I’ll do anything to get me out of my head and stop feeling what I’m feeling sometimes.
So now what do I do about it? How can I stop going down these rabbit holes that just make me feel discouraged and bring out my insecurities? How can I motivate myself to be more positive and productive and be more focused on those things that bring me joy and pleasure.
Instead of being upset at the way I feel, what if I thought of them as clues as to where my insecurities are out of balance? What if I took a bolder approach and started to ask questions? What if I asked myself things like, what are my insecure feelings trying to tell me? Could they just be trying to show me where I need to do my work? Does going on social media make me feel more or less confident? If I feel less confident than why do I subject myself to it? Could I find better ways to use social media that empower me?
I’ve got to stop focusing on other people’s lives, their accomplishments, their drama and focus more on what floats my boat. Deep inside I know I’ve got what it takes to do anything I set myself to do. If our life goes in the direction of what we focus on then I need to take that to heart and start being more mindful of what I’m focusing on.
Journal Entry: March 7, 2022
I saw this meme the other day about energy vampires. It described different kinds of toxic people and it made me stop and wonder if other people ever think I’m an energy vampire? So I thought maybe I should go through the list and come clean with myself.
First, there was The Drama Queen. I guess I can be dramatic at times. I know for sure I get dramatic when I’m hormonal. But do others see me as a drama queen? I hope not but maybe this is an area I could work on.
Next, there was The Con Artist. These people are manipulating and deceptive. That’s certainly not me. I have anything but a poker face.
Then there was The Victim. Nope. I’m not the victim type either. In fact, I can’t stand it when people walk around with a poor me face. To me, it’s so disempowering.
Next was The Narcissist. That one made me pause because I know that sometimes I can dominate a conversation and get so involved in my story that I never even give the other person a chance to share with me something that is going on with them. I know I can drain my mother’s energy. She’s told me so. But with mothers it’s different. I know Molly drains my energy at times. I’ll need to be more mindful next time mom visits. Maybe I dump on her more than I should.
Then there’s the Control Freak. Well, I’m a mother. Mother’s are supposed to be in control, aren’t we? It’s part of our job description. So maybe I’m a little controlling at times. It’s hard not to with kids fighting you tooth and nail about literally everything.
And then last but not least, there’s The Naysayer. These are the people who look at everything with a “yeah, but” attitude. They can complain about blue skies and sunshine. So, no, I’m not a “yeah butter.” I pride myself on trying to look on the bright side of things.
So as I look over the list, I could do a little better in The Drama Queen department. Maybe not be so controlling. And then watch my narcissistic tendencies. Boy! I feel more energy just going through that list.This was very therapeutic!!
Journal Entry: March 1, 2022
I think I struggle with letting go of things. No, instead of thinking that I feel it. It seems like I’m always fighting some uncomfortable bodily sensation or another. Also, I feel drained more than I used to. I feel heavy and weighted down. Sometimes it shows up as a tightness in my chest. Or my stomach gets all in knots. Or I’ll catch myself clinching my teeth. Or I’ll notice I’m hunched over my computer like I’m waiting for a shoe to drop which causes my back and neck to throb.
Sometimes I know exactly what it is, like when I get jealous of my sister who just posted a gorgeous picture of herself receiving some recognition. But other times, I have no idea why my body aches and feels so lethargic and unmotivated.
I’m making progress though. I’ve started to see some patterns. I’ve began to notice that it’s just a lot of little things that add up over time. For instance, I can make a stupid, silly mistake and I’ll get this weird uneasy sensation wash over me. It’s hardly noticeable but now I’m aware that I feel it. Then what I notice is that I’ll get more hesitant and less likely to take action. My ego got tweaked because, God forbid, I made a mistake, and then my self confidence goes down the drain. Whose ego likes to be wrong, right? (Hahaha) I’ve also noticed I can have some scary, fear based thought that I can’t seem to let go of. I used to allow one scary thought ruin my whole day. Talk about self sabotage!
It’s taken me years to get to this point of awareness, and I’m not all the way there yet, not by a long shot. But I’m so much more aware than I used to be. I’m also aware that I need to be nicer to myself. More forgiving. More willing to just allow myself to be human. I’m not super-mom or super-wife or super-entrepreneur. I’m going to make mistakes, and so what? I’m going to be forgetful. Who isn’t? I’m not going to be good at some things. Who’s perfect? I hold onto my crap thinking that no one else has the same feelings or the same experiences. But I’ve figured out that everybody else is probably a lot more like me than I’ve realized, even though their social media profiles say otherwise. Deep down, embarrassment is embarrassment and anger is anger. Who doesn’t have a dark side who thinks awful, disgusting thoughts from time to time and feels intense negative emotions?
It seems that where our differences really show up, aside from the superficial stuff, is how long we allow ourselves to hold on to these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. How good are we at not sweating the small stuff? How much do we allow our faux pas to affect our day? How quickly can we let go of our crap and let bygones be bygones? When I give myself permission to own up to my short comings and acknowledge my dark side then forgiveness seems to be the key to letting it go. When I forgive myself I feel lighter. When I forgive myself it makes it easier to forgive others and then I stop holding on to their crap. I stop pretending I’m something or someone that I’m not. Gosh it is freeing to get this off my chest. I’m feeling a surge of energy just writing about it. I think I just dropped 10 pounds of emotional crap right here on this paper. Too bad there’s not a flush handle to push.:)
Journal Entry: Feb 22, 2022
Why are good habits so much harder to establish than bad habits? It’s so easy to get in the habit of eating desert every night and yet remembering to read 10 pages of a good book seems like it’s a chore. Even though I REALLY like the book I’m reading. What gives? Do I have something in me that subconsciously is trying to sabotage my progress? Do I really want to achieve my goals? Could I possibly have the wrong goals for me? ‘
I have this habit of starting, then drifting, then starting again and then stopping.
Even when I think I’ve got a good running start on something and just when I feel like I’m in a groove I get derailed and lose my momentum. Then I beat myself up, again! Wondering why progress is so hard. This has happened over and over again in so many areas of my life – like my diet and trying to lose weight, my exercise routine, in my business, or even something that should be soothing and relaxing like meditating.
What stops me from sticking with a program? Staying committed? Am I fickle? Am I spoiled and just don’t want to do the work? Am I not coming up with good goals or habits that are aligned with who I am? I’ve got this wall of resistance in me that’s hard to explain. Something deep inside me is holding me back and for the life of me I don’t know what it is.
Maybe instead of focusing on the goal or the destination I should focus more on the journey and what’s blocking my path that’s right in front of me. When I get to the end of the day and I realized I got off track… AGAIN, that I didn’t stick with my game plan on whatever it is that I’m working on, I should have a heart to heart talk with myself and ask what happened. What was I feeling that made me eat the piece of chocolate cake? What got my attention so much that I forgot to exercise? Why did I put off making those business calls? Why did I forget to meditate or read? What was I feeling?
I have this phrase that haunts me. “I know but I don’t do.” Why is that? Boy! Wouldn’t that be a mystery I would love to solve.
Journal Entry: Feb 16, 2022
The other day was Valentine’s Day, the day to celebrate love and yet I didn’t feel it. In fact I’m having this love/hate relationship with the concept of love. On one hand I get the feeling of unconditional love for my kids, but geez that’s so hard to feel all the time. And other things we’re “supposed” to love, well, I hate the idea that there’s no wiggle room for maybe not being all that loving about someone or something. Sometimes life is just hard to love.
For instance, lately I’m just not feeling the way I want love to feel. I’m not particularly loving my work. I have absolutely no desire to sit at my computer and write or talk to anyone. I don’t love the way I look. Just one look in the mirror depresses me.
The kids are driving me batty. They say that love is the highest emotional vibration and just being in the presence of people you love or doing something you love will raise your vibe. All I know right now is I gotta do something to get me out of this funk.
Here’s an idea. How about while Isabelle is taking a nap I light some candles in the bathroom. Candle light always put me in a good mood. Then I go take a soak in a lavender scented epsom salt bath and meditate to some 528 hz music I found on Youtube. They say that’s the frequency that opens up your heart chakra and rids your heart of negative emotions. My heart must be full of them right now. I can almost feel the blockage and resistance in my chest. And yet, there’s a part of me that knows love is all around me. It’s there for me to feel. I hate when I get like this. And on Valentine’s Day of all days. My family deserved more from me. They deserved to feel the love I have for them. They also deserved to know how much I appreciate their love for me. Because I do. I love them with all my heart. I’m just struggling right now to feel it. Deep down I know they are everything to me. Ohhhhh…please God, help me to fall in love with my life again and be the loving mom I know I am.
PS: I have to acknowledge how thankful I am for the lovely card Kyle gave me. I truly am blessed to be married to him.
Journal Entry Feb 7, 2022
The idea that the spoken word has power in the physical world both excites me and terrifies me at the same time. I recently saw the experiment by Dr. Emoto Masaru where he wrote words like “love” and “hate” and “thank you” on pieces of paper and taped them to vials of water. He even took vials of water where he spoke words over them. When he looked at the water under a microscope their molecular structure changed!! Positive, pleasant words formed beautiful crystal patterns while negative, ugly words formed disfigured crystal patterns.
It really got me to thinking about things like prayer and words that come out of my mouth. What about the thoughts I think over and over again about my body?
On one hand it’s kind of a cool thing to realize that I can change the molecular structure of the water in my body merely by being intentional with my thoughts. But then it’s kind of scary to think about that too. I’m not sure I like the idea that I have that much say so over my body. I know we are mind, body and spirit and we’re connected. That was always something that I chalked up to being a spiritual belief, something that was subjective. But now! Science has proven that our thoughts, our feelings, our intentions really do matter. Wow!! I’ve got a lot of work to do. It’s time I had a heart to heart talk with myself and learn what I’m telling my body with my words.
Journal Entry: Jan 7, 2022
Well I’ve started the new year off pretty good. I made a few new year’s resolutions and so far I’m sticking with them. Well, close enough. I’m reading more – at least 10 pages of a good book. I’ve almost finished my first book. Another goal I have is to drink 8 glasses of water every day. I am so grateful someone suggested adding lemon to it. It makes drinking water so much easier. It’s so much more refreshing. For my body I came up with a floor exercise routine comprised of 20 simple stretches. I can’t believe how inflexible I’ve become. It’s depressing to think that at my age there are some days I can hardly touch my toes. Urgggg And I also committed to using the rowing machine I bought last Christmas that I hardly used. My resolution is to row 10 minutes 6 days a week. That seems so doable!! Read more…
Journal Entry: Dec 16, 2021
I love my family. I really do. I’m excited that they’re all coming for Christmas. Yay! We don’t get to be together very often. It’ll be fun. So then why do I feel so apprehensive? This has been a really hard year and as I look back I was overwhelmed a lot. Maybe I’m just emotionally exhausted. That’s why I’m not exactly jumping up and down for joy about Christmas this year. Yikes! Where is everyone going to sleep? Maybe I should buy more toilet paper. And check the bath towel situation. Is everyone going to get along? Is everyone going to behave themselves? I am looking forward to all the good food. Yum! Read more…
Journal Entry: Dec 2, 2021
When I was younger I hated being alone, especially on a Friday or Saturday night. Being alone back then made me feel like I wasn’t liked or wanted – all that worrying about being popular crap. Now being alone feels so different. Sometimes I crave it. Somebody is always around, in my space, my head, my heart, my bed. It’s either the kids, or Kyle or clients or friends or mother or even the dog and cat. Somebody always needs something from me. My phone doesn’t even leave me alone. It’s always dinging or pinging or ringing. I wish the world would just shut up and leave me alone for once. Read more…
Journal Entry: Nov 23, 2021
This has been one strange year. I have to say it’s been kind of hard to stay in an attitude of gratitude. As we’re getting close to Thanksgiving I’ve been trying to find more things to be grateful for, even if theyare just little things. I’ve heard that it doesn’t really matter what you’re grateful for, it just matters that your heart is filled with a sense of being blessed with an abundance of good things. If I look back on this year I know it could have been a lot worse. Read more…
Journal Entry: Nov 17, 2021
I’m so excited today!! I’ve been doing so much better the last couple of days. I’ve had this enlightening experience. I’ve been going through this real funk the last week or so. I don’t know why but I was so tired all the time. All I wanted to do was just sit or take a nap. I didn’t think that I felt depressed but my body acted like it. I was having a hard time concentrating and I was getting really forgetful. One day I forgot my glasses, to put on earrings and my business cards when I went to a new networking meeting. Read more…
Journal Entry: Nov 11, 2021
I came across the other day a definition of discernment and it got me to wondering how often I use my own. Discernment it said was the basically the alignment of logic with intuition. I really liked that way of looking at it but it made me realize that I’m not always very good at using my own discernment, especially when it comes to what comes out of my mouth. Read more…
Journal Entry: November 3, 2021
I’m finding that dealing with my kid’s moods is one of the toughest things about parenting. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own moods swings without getting on their roller coaster cycles too. When you’re younger and you think about being a mother you seem to overlook the emotional toll it’s going to take on you, at least I did. Read more…
Journal Entry: October 29, 2021
Well here I’m at the end of another day and I don’t feel like I got anything done. At least nothing that was all that important. Where did the day go? Why do I allow myself get so distracted? Why do I have such a hard time staying focused? I can find more ways to procrastinate than anyone I know. Read more…
Journal Entry: October 18, 2021
Oh no! I’m having one of those days again! I’m questioning myself and filling my head with all kinds of doubts. I can’t get my mind to shut up. I hate when this happens. What’s wrong with me? Does this happen to anyone else? I’m sure it does but on days like this I feel so alone. Read more…
Journal Entry: Sept 22, 2021
Today, of all days, I found in my mail, an invitation to my high school reunion. Urgggg…It’s a big one too. It’s got a zero at the end. I want to go but why did I have to get the invitation today???? Read more
Journal Entry: Sept 1, 2021
Lately, my anxiety has really kicked in. It feels like I’m dealing with it on some level 24/7. For years I could process my stress without much problem. I might have gotten agitated and a little snarkier than usual. But anxiety was never debilitating, just annoying. Read more…