Sometimes I know exactly what it is, like when I get jealous of my sister who just posted a gorgeous picture of herself receiving some recognition. But other times, I have no idea why my body aches and feels so lethargic and unmotivated.

I’m making progress though. I’ve started to see some patterns. I’ve began to notice that it’s just a lot of little things that add up over time. For instance, I can make a stupid, silly mistake and I’ll get this weird uneasy sensation wash over me. It’s hardly noticeable but now I’m aware that I feel it. Then what I notice is that I’ll get more hesitant and less likely to take action. My ego got tweaked because, God forbid, I made a mistake, and then my self confidence goes down the drain. Whose ego likes to be wrong, right? (Hahaha)  I’ve also noticed I can have some scary, fear based thought that I can’t seem to let go of. I used to allow one scary thought ruin my whole day. Talk about self sabotage!  

It’s taken me years to get to this point of awareness, and I’m not all the way there yet, not by a long shot. But I’m so much more aware than I used to be. I’m also aware that I need to be nicer to myself. More forgiving. More willing to just allow myself to be human. I’m not super-mom or super-wife or super-entrepreneur. I’m going to make mistakes, and so what? I’m going to be forgetful. Who isn’t? I’m not going to be good at some things. Who’s perfect? I hold onto my crap thinking that no one else has the same feelings or the same experiences. But I’ve figured out that everybody else is probably a lot more like me than I’ve realized, even though their social media profiles say otherwise. Deep down, embarrassment is embarrassment and anger is anger. Who doesn’t have a dark side who thinks awful, disgusting thoughts from time to time and feels intense negative emotions?

It seems that where our differences really show up, aside from the superficial stuff, is how long we allow ourselves to hold on to these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. How good are we at not sweating the small stuff? How much do we allow our faux pas to affect our day? How quickly can we let go of our crap and let bygones be bygones? When I give myself permission to own up to my short comings and acknowledge my dark side then forgiveness seems to be the key to letting it go. When I forgive myself I feel lighter. When I forgive myself it makes it easier to forgive others and then I stop holding on to their crap. I stop pretending I’m something or someone that I’m not. Gosh it is freeing to get this off my chest. I’m feeling a surge of energy just writing about it. I think I just dropped 10 pounds of emotional crap right here on this paper. Too bad there’s not a flush handle to push.:)